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  • joemalonephd


Updated: Jul 30, 2023

We’ve all heard the saying, it’s not the destination but the journey that is important. When it comes to fitness we all know someone who says, “Someday I have to start eating better” or “I’ll start exercising when I have more time and I’m not so tired.” In some ways sexuality is similar to fitness in that knowledge is gained of our spouse through effort and repetition. That knowledge is important, and especially important for the husband about his wife.


When it comes to sexuality, as we have seen in earlier posts, men and women are profoundly different. One of the greatest areas of difference is in the ease of the ability to arouse one sex versus the other. It should be clear by now to anyone who is been reading these posts that is generally much more challenging for women to become aroused than for men. There are many factors that contribute, for instance the comparative levels of testosterone. The women with the highest testosterone levels register 75 ng/dL while the lowest men register 200 ng/dL. When graphing female versus male testosterone levels, they are not even on the same graph. This differs from height for example where some women are taller than some men.

Another reason for this difference in arousal/sexual response potential is brain anatomy. We should remember that the sexual pursuit area of males brains is 2 ½ times larger than females. It is also packed with twice the density of neurons in these areas as the female brain. One other factor that makes typical young men supercharged sexually is that these brain areas are sensitive and react to testosterone levels. Yet another factor comparatively dampening female sex drive is the fact that females have much higher levels of sex hormone binding globulin (SHBG). SHBG binds to hormones and makes them incapable of making changes to the cells. This means that only what is called free testosterone can have these stimulating effects. Some women have 13 times more SHBG than men.


For all of these reasons it can easily be seen why most women have a much lower sex drive than men. As a matter of fact, Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder or female sexual interest/arousal disorder is the most common sexual disorder in women. There is one more complicating factor with women as well. Their sex drives are strongly related to their ovulatory cycles. Their levels of estrogen and testosterone increase greatly before and through their ovulation but especially in the five or six days prior to ovulation. As estrogen and testosterone decline in the days after ovulation progesterone rises to take their place and it has more of a sedating effect.


For many husbands who have no idea or knowledge about all of this about their wives, and their sex drives, it can prove to be very mysterious and possibly even frustrating. I am encouraging husbands to get educated on their wives’ sexuality and put that education to good use in helping her to reach satisfaction as well.

A couple of other characteristics that are important for husbands to know is that the pelvis of their wife is unique among women in how it is innervated. The various parts of her sexual organs have differing nerve wiring proportionally from other women which makes their sexual anatomy unique to them, like a thumbprint. Without getting too explicit this means that husbands need to get to know their wives intimately and learn what stimulates them and what doesn’t. Additionally, a wife’s autonomic nervous system (ANS) has to be able to relax fully in order for her to reach climax. All of this biology screams for marriage and monogamy for humans and against hooking up and promiscuity, especially from a female perspective! There is very little chance that a woman will reach satisfaction through casual sex and the research supports that.


To conclude, God has designed the marital act to take place in the context of a lifelong committed relationship between a man and a woman. In this trust relationship a married couple can practice the marital act over and over again with more and more intimacy. Married love is not about instant gratification and what we (especially men) get out of it. It is the kind of love that is modeled throughout the Bible and especially by Christ in his sacrificial love for us. Husbands, with mindful and intentional practice with our wives, we can provide them with the same kind of satisfaction we achieve each time they unite with us in the marital act. They will be happier, and we all know the saying “when Mama is happy everybody’s happy!”

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