Age: 25
Ethnicity: Caucasian/Non-Hispanic
1. What were your friendship relationships like as a child growing up?
1.1. Growing up as a child I always had very strong friendships. I went to the same school from kindergarten until high school graduation, so the friends I made at school were consistently with me. Other than a few changes, I had the same group of girl friends and guy friends from my first year of school until college. So, as you can imagine, those bonds were very strong. We all did mostly everything together including school functions, sports, and activities outside of school. We always thought we were inseparable and that we would grow up to have children that would be best friends as well. I think this set a firm foundation in my mind and heart for valuing loyalty and strong friendships or strong bonds in general. Though maybe not realizing it at the time, I became very reliant on these bonds and these people for happiness and security. These people knew everything about me (the good, the bad, and my darkest secrets) as well as me knowing everything about them. After high school, most of us went our separate directions. Some moved to different states, some simply went to different schools, some got married fairly quickly, some have had children, and some just drifted apart for no clear reason. Through all the life changes I have only remained very close to 2 of my old friends and remotely close to a couple others. As for the rest of the group, we only keep up through posts on social media. I think this has taken a toll on my friendship and romantic relationships in adulthood. As cliché as it may seem, I truly believed I would have these friends throughout every stage in life. Losing that is almost like suffering the death of a loved one or close friend. Whether dead or alive, the bond is lost. I think this may have caused me to subconsciously distrust relationships of all kinds and to assume that no one would stay. Perhaps if I had suffered the loss of friendships at a much younger age, then I would not have placed so much emotional value on those types of relationships and learned to depend more on myself for that reassurance.
2. Please describe your relationships during high school. Were any of them serious?
2.1. I had many crushes during high school. I have always been an extremely outgoing and nurturing person. I think sometimes that may have been perceived more so as flirtatious than it was intended to be. This got me quite a bit of attention, though I was never really the “dating” type or the type to have a boyfriend. I guess I would consider having had 2 “serious” relationships in high school with both of them occurring after I could drive and have a job. I think this made me feel more “adult” and worthy of having a real relationship. In the first relationship, I dated a guy who (on paper) was everything I would love. Even in reality he was a very nice person and good friend at the time. Looking back, I had no real romantic feelings for him and we may have dated just due to so many people saying we “would make a great couple.” He was a year older than me and broke off our relationship when he went to college (which was going to be 3 hours away). He had told me the distance was too great and there was no need to put a strain on ourselves that way since he was going to college and I was going to be going into my senior year of high school. I remember being devastated and feeling as if I meant too little to work for. I quickly empowered myself enough to realize that I meant more than that and if he couldn’t see that, then he was not worth my tears.
2.2. My second serious relationship was the most intense and longest relationship I had ever been in. We started dating halfway through my senior year and continued to date for 4 more years. He was a year younger than me and that put many strains on our relationship as we were on different paths physically, mentally, and emotionally. I remember not liking him as a friend and never considered dating him until he had pursued me consistently. He ended up moving away to college, playing college baseball, and was on a path in life that was solely based on his desires. There was never really any real consideration for how I would fit into his plan and no compromise was going to be made for me or my dreams. As you can imagine, this put a pretty big emotional and mental strain on me. I was in love and would have happily given up everything that makes me, me to follow him wherever his dream would take him. Our relationship became mostly about just that, me following him and doing whatever was best for him and his career. I quite literally lost myself in this relationship to the point that I didn’t know what I would do without him because I had no life without him. Unfortunately, he cheated on me 4 separate times (quite severely) with each incident being close to a year apart. I should’ve ran from this relationship each time it happened, but instead I would forgive him and strive even harder to earn his affection. This created a huge hole inside me that I didn’t even realize existed until the relationship was over. He broke up with me one morning as he called me to confess another infidelity. Though I should’ve been through with him at this point, I fought for him to stay, but he wouldn’t. Looking back now, I’m so glad he didn’t.
3. Did you date during your college years? Was hookup culture a factor in your college experience? If so, please describe. Did you ever wish it could turn into something more romantically with any of them?
3.1. I dated the guy stated above for more than half of my college career. After that breakup, I was devastated in every sense of the word. I suffered from intense depression for over a year afterwards. No one understood how I could let such an awful person spoil this much of my life and happiness. Honestly, I didn’t either. It wasn’t just him that I was saddened over, though. I was extremely close to his family. I was suffering the loss of them. I hadn’t just lost him, but had also lost an entire family that felt like my own. We had talked about marriage and kids and planned our whole lives. I was simply lost for a long time after having my world completely turned upside down. I was mourning the loss of myself and the loss of the person I was before the break up. I had to completely rebuild myself and search for who I was all over again. I invested a lot of time in connecting with God and spending all my time surrounded by family. I tried to create an unwavering foundation built on the love of my creator and of my family who I knew would always be there for me. I did all of this in an effort to make entirely sure that I would never find myself in this situation again.
3.2. I didn’t have another serious relationship for 3 years after that break up. In between there were a few “almosts” though. I desperately wanted to share love with someone again. I gave much thought to whether or not I was ready and what that guy would look like once he showed up. There were several opportunities that seemed like fate (if you believe in that). I always tried to rely on God for love and trust that he would bring me the right man when the time was right. There were a couple times that I thought would be that time. Times that I was simply happy with life and living it right to the best of my ability when (quite literally) that guy would walk through my door. Both times that I thought I may have found someone I could be open to dating with, they showed up to my house with some of my friends. This happened on separate occasions. Both times I had never seen the guy before and it had seemed like a fresh start for me. Both times it didn’t work out, though. The first guy ended up being my friend’s roommate. He was everything I wanted on paper and even in person. I was extremely skeptical and am probably mostly to blame for that relationship not working out due to my reluctance to be open with him. In the end it seemed that what he was mostly after was a “casual” relationship or just someone to hook up with and I was not. The second guy ended up being a friend of the other’s (ironically). Still to this day, if I could draw a man I wanted, then he would be 100% what I am looking for. At the time I had felt like the luckiest girl on earth that he was interested in me. I thought I had made it for sure. We dated casually for a few months. In the end, I had found out that he was a severe alcoholic and had different morals than I would like in a lifetime partner. I am still friends with both people and harbor no ill feelings towards either of them. I am thankful for those experiences, though, because I feel that it helped me ease my way back into being comfortable with dating and trusting of men in general.
3.3. The hookup factor is definitely a growing known in culture nowadays. It did have an effect on my college (and adult) experience as mentioned above. Most guys in college seem to be looking just for hookups and not for serious relationships. I was never into hooking up and was always searching for that romantic connection that could last a lifetime.
4. During college how did you perceive your peers’ attitudes toward sex? What did you think was happening with them in this area?
4.1. During college I had several friends come and go. I learned a lot from each of them. Most friends I had were single. Of this group, most of them were just looking for hook ups or casual sex. They didn’t place any value on sex other than it being a temporary and casual release. The other part of this single group wanted to find a serious relationship and placed a greater value on sex. A small portion of my friends were either married, engaged to be married, or in serious relationships. These people placed the highest value on sex, saving it for only their one partner and hoping that they would be their only or last partner for life.
4.2. Sex is a tricky conversation to have, for me. I place a very high value on sex. Being a Christian has led me to consider it a divine gift from God meant to be shared between two people after they have vowed their lives to one another in marriage. Though I am not a virgin and did not wait for marriage entirely, I do now. I can’t say I regret the things I have done because it taught me lessons I may not have learned otherwise and it made me the person I am today, but I do wish I would have thought more about my actions beforehand. My opinion on sex is that it is a special bond that should not be taken lightly. I think that if people are going to have sex, then it shouldn’t be thrown out without deep consideration. Not only is it medically dangerous to be sharing sex with several partners or engaging in hook ups, but it is also emotionally and mentally dangerous. I don’t think anyone looks at their future as a teenager and thinks they should have several sexual partners. I believe that each time you connect with another person in that way, you give a piece of yourself to that person physically, mentally, and spiritually. Whether people realize it or not, or care enough about it or not, they will always be bonded to that person in some way. I think that is something that should be deeply thought through before engaging in any sexual activity. However, this is not a popular opinion to have.
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